


pâro

by nighting_gale17



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Lonely Buck, M/M, Pre-Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-13
Updated: 2019-03-11
Packaged: 2019-10-09 05:38:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,574
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17401043
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nighting_gale17/pseuds/nighting_gale17
Summary: After a rough call, Buck finds himself with no one to turn to.Luckily, a kind stranger is there to offer a hand.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Spurred on by the thought of Buck being all alone after Abby left and before Maddie and Eddie came into his life. Hope y'all enjoy this! Thanks to absicle for betaing this :)

Things had been getting a little hard for Buck recently.

Abby’s abrupt departure and radio silence left Buck facing a reality he was reluctant to accept. There have been nights when it took all of self-control not to call her; to give her the space she asked for. Lonely nights have been sitting in the too big bed he once shared with her, staring down at his phone desperately hoping for her to call him.

He’d caved tonight. He called her at least five times but she didn’t pick up once. Perhaps it was for the best. He was an inconsolable mess at that point, sobs racking his body hard enough it made it hard for him to catch his breath. But he’d needed someone to talk to and Abby, she _always_ understood. Always.

Buck longed to talk to someone. Anyone. He didn’t even care what it was about. He tried calling his older sister again but once again she was unreachable. He couldn’t help the disappointment he felt, even though it had been years since he had spoken to her.

Sometimes Buck felt like he was drowning.

Normally, he would just find a pretty face to sleep with for the night and the night after that and the night after that until the crushing weight faded and he could breathe again. But after Abby, he was reluctant to become that person again. And the grief and devastation from today’s call left him wishing for someone who cared to just wrap him up and tell him everything would be okay.

So instead he wound up here.

It wasn’t the first time he had found himself at this specific place. It wasn’t anywhere populated by tourists looking for a late night on the town. It was a hidden gem of LA. A small bridge, blink and you miss it, but it had a gorgeous view of the LA skyline at night. Buck liked to come here when his mind felt heavy. Something about the vastness of the view and silence of the night helped calm his thoughts.

Currently, he was leaning against the fence on the edge of the bridge, his arms crossed on the railing as he gazed out into the night. This was the place he came when he needed to get things off his chest when no one else would listen.

“It was a little boy this time.” he said softly into the chilly night air. “His name was Brandon. He was almost seven years old and his most favorite thing in the world were dinosaurs.” Flashes of burning dinosaur toys flashed in his minds eye. Charred children’s drawings of dinosaurs crunching underneath his feet.

“The house was structurally compromised and we weren’t supposed to go in but—” he exhaled shakily, closing his eyes as the mother’s terrified screams rang in his ears. “There was a chance. I had to try. It was stupid, though, she was right.” he muttered, the bitter taste of regret sharp on his tongue. “He was alive when I found him, awake and crying in the corner of his closet but he’d inhaled too much smoke.”

That was an image that would forever be seared into his memory. The little boy, clutching a smoke-covered dinosaur toy in-between in burned arms, tears running down his little face. He remembered those terrified blue eyes when Buck finally found him.

“He passed out while I was getting him out of the house. We barely made it. Tore my arm on an exposed beam, ripped my uniform and burned part of my arm. I-I thought I had gotten to him in time.” Buck’s eyes watered and he took a deep breath to keep himself from breaking down into tears again. “I didn’t. Instead, his family watched as he suffocated to death on the ambulance because of me.”

He remembered the looks of disappoint the team gave him the rest of the day. If he had just listened to his orders, if he hadn’t gone in that house, that family wouldn’t have had to watch their baby die in front of them. Or if he had been a little faster, he would have gotten the boy out in time for the EMTs and the doctors to save him.

But he didn’t do any of those things. Now there was a family suffering more than they should have because of his actions and a team who had lost respect for him.

Buck was so lost in his thoughts he nearly jumped out of his skin when there was suddenly someone next to him. Glancing to his right, Buck frowned a little as he gave the man a once over. He was about Buck’s height, maybe an inch or two shorter, with dark hair and light stubble on his jaws. His short, jet black hair had a hint of curls to it, blowing softly in the night breeze. “It’s a beautiful night, isn’t it?” the man said, his gaze focused on the view in front of him.

Well, at least he probably wasn’t some murderer or trying to kidnap him. Buck doubted criminals usually enjoyed small talk. “Yeah.” Buck finally answered, looking away from the man. He could feel the pressure returning to his chest but he tried to ignore it. “Never usually see other people up here.”

“Just passing through.” Buck saw the man glance at him from the corner of his eye. “Looked like you could use a friend.”

Use a friend? Buck’s grip on the railing tightened slightly but he couldn’t help the soft chuckle that escaped him. “I’m not a jumper, man.” He didn’t deny the man’s observation. “I just come out here to clear my head.”

“Paramedic?” The man asked after a few seconds of silence.

“Firefighter.” Buck corrected with a confused frown, finally shifting to get a good look of the man. “How’d you guess?”

“You’ve got that look in your eyes.” the man shrugged, finally looking at Buck and shit—Buck couldn't breathe, but for an entirely different reason now. “Not cautious enough for police or military. Figured paramedic or firefighter. Rough day?”

“Rough week.” Buck muttered. “So, do you got a name? Or am I going to have to keep calling you ‘mysterious man’ in my head?” he joked.

“Diaz. Eddie Diaz.” The man, Eddie, held out his hand with a kind smile.

“Evan Buckley. Everyone just calls me Buck.” he shook Eddie’s hand before letting it drop back down to his side. “Nice to meet you man, but now that you know I’m not going to throw myself off the edge, you should probably get home. I’m sure you’ve got a family waiting for you.”

“A son. But he’s with my abuela for the night. What about you?” Eddie asked, turning and leaning his back against the edge as he watched Buck with curiosity and something else in his eyes. “Family?”

“Nah, just me, now.” his thoughts briefly went to the station house but he dismissed that quickly. They’ve made it obvious how little they thought of him. Though, after the shit that happened this week, he couldn’t really blame them. He tried to pretend that didn’t hurt as much as it did.

It was almost as if Eddie could read his thoughts. “What about your team?” At Buck’s curious glance, he rushed to continue. “I was Army, myself. I knew I could always count on my brothers to have my back through anything, home or abroad. We were a family in a way, too.”

Buck remained quiet for a moment, his gaze returning back to the sky. “That sounds nice.” Not for the first time he found himself wishing he had followed through with the SEAL training. “But, no, not them either. I can’t really blame them, though.”

“Why’s that?” Eddie asked.

Buck couldn’t be sure why he was answering this stranger’s questions. Maybe it was just the simple fact he hasn’t had anyone to talk about this stuff with. Maybe it’s the note of concern in Eddie’s voice that made Buck’s eyes damp because—jeez, how long had it been since he’d had someone direct their concern to him?

“Made some bad calls. Too stupid, too slow, and we couldn’t save him. I couldn’t save him.” he murmured quietly, Hen’s cutting words echoing in his ears.

_‘Congrats, Buckley, you just let that family watch their little boy die.’_

His hand danced up the length of his left forearm, fingers ghosting over the bandages wrapped so carefully around the burns he sustained earlier that day. The fresh wounds still ached but Buck knew it was nothing compared to the grief that family must have felt. It was part of the reason why Buck came up here that night. The cool air helped remind him the residual heat from the invisible flames weren’t real—it was all in his head.

“Would you like to come over for dinner?”

That broke through Buck’s inner turmoil. His head spun in surprise to stare at Eddie. “What?”

Eddie gave him a small smile. “My son is a huge fan of firefighters. Not to mention my abuela is cooking dinner tonight and she always makes more food than my son and I can eat. You should come over.”

A normal person might have fears about going to a random person’s house for the night but, well, Buck’s done that so many times with so many different girls any caution he used to have is long gone now. But still, this man had a family. He didn’t want to impose, no matter how nice it sounded. “Thank you, but, I’m sure you don’t want to have a stranger in your house. I’ll be fine.” he forced a small smile. “It’s nothing I haven’t dealt with on my own before.”

When Buck finished speaking, the look in Eddie’s eyes softened and concern laced his voice. “I don’t think you should be alone tonight, Evan. I’ve opened my home to plenty of soldiers in my time. People with jobs like ours always keep an eye out for each other.”

Maybe it was the genuine concern of a stranger that made Buck agree. Maybe it was Buck’s own loneliness. Maybe it was the use of his first name, said so softly and filled with such concern it reminded Buck vividly of his older sister. Whatever it was made Buck slowly nod his head in acceptance.

Obvious relief washed over Eddie’s face and Buck wasn’t too sure how he felt about that. “You’re going to love my abuela’s cooking.” Eddie promised, slinging an arm around Buck’s shoulders and gently leading him away from the edge of the bridge. “And my son, Christopher, he’ll be happy to finally meet a real firefighter. He’s trying to convince me to be one, actually.”

That night, for the first night since Abby left, Buck didn’t feel quite so alone anymore.


	2. Late Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buck has a rough shift. Luckily, Eddie is always there for him.

_Knock-Knock_

“I’m coming, I’m coming,” Eddie mumbled sleepily, shuffling down the hallway to answer the insistent knocking on his door. He rubbed his left eye with his hand as he opened the door, freezing in mild surprise at who was on the other side.

Evan, or Buck, as he liked to be called, was there. He looked… awful. His hair was matted against his head with sweat and dirt, the dark circles under his eyes seemed to be more prominent under the low light from his porch and he looked like he was a few minutes away from passing out. “Evan?”

“Eddie.” Buck swallowed, his eyes shifting nervously from side to side as the grip on his duffle bag tightened in his hands. “Is that, uh, open invitation still open?”

“Always,” Eddie answered immediately, opening the door wider to let Buck in.

The firefighter’s posture immediately relaxed as he walked inside Eddie’s home, though Eddie wasn’t even sure he was aware of it. “Thank you.” he murmured quietly, glancing around Eddie’s house and shrugging his duffle higher up on his shoulder.

“No need to thank me. As I said, you’re always welcome here.” Eddie shut the door behind him, offering Buck a kind smile. “Did you just get off a shift?”

Buck let out a short sigh. “That obvious?”

Eddie gestured for Buck to put his stuff down and led him into the kitchen, grabbing two glasses and filling them with water. “You seem tired.”

Buck remained silent as Eddie placed the water in front of it, accepting it with a faint smile but leaving it untouched. The silence remained for a few minutes as Eddie sipped on his water, sitting on a stool at the island next to Buck. It was a comfortable silence. Something was obviously on Buck’s mind and he must be struggling if he finally took up the offer to come to Eddie’s house.

After he had met the man four months ago and had invited him for dinner, they’d stayed in touch. He’d gotten to know Buck fairly well since then and made sure he knew Eddie’s house was always open if he ever needed a shoulder to lean on. This is the first time he’s opted to come over rather than talk to him quietly over the phone.

“Rough shift. 36-hour one.” Buck admitted quietly, his gaze flickering up at Eddie before returning to stare at his untouched glass. “Three fatal accidents in the first six hours. Two had kids—” his voice broke on the word, eyes closing tightly and yeah, Eddie knew that look.

He placed a hand comfortingly on Buck’s shoulder, squeezing encouragingly. He was glad Buck was talking about the hard days, though he would prefer Buck spoke to a licensed therapist, he understood Buck’s hesitance in that area and was more than willing to help however he could.

When Buck’s eyes opened again, they had the same haunted look in them that Eddie saw in the mirror every morning his first few months back in the states. “Search and rescue gone wrong later. It was all my fault. I should have just stayed back and let the others take care of it but she was so scared and we—”

Eddie quickly slid off his chair, wrapping his arms tightly around Buck’s shoulders and guided the younger man’s head to rest in the crook of his neck as he started to cry. It was quiet tears. That was one thing Eddie had noticed in the past couple of months is that Buck never really allowed himself to just—let it out. A few tears shed in the rare moments like these he allowed himself to be vulnerable but he would never go any further.

Eddie was going to kill that therapist if he ever laid eyes on her.

Buck’s arms wrapped tightly around Eddie’s waist, almost falling off the chair as he sought comfort Eddie was more than willing to give at the moment. “You know what happened wasn’t your fault.”

“You don’t know that.” Buck’s words were muffled, but clear to Eddie all the same.

“I don’t,” Eddie acknowledged, “But I do know you. And I know that whatever happened, you did everything you could to help.” Buck’s head shook against his shoulder but Eddie pushed on. “You’ve got a gentle heart, Evan, and despite what other people might have to say, that heart is what makes you so good at your job. It wasn’t your fault,” he repeated.

Buck’s arms tightened against his waist at his words briefly before he pulled back, the haunted look still in his eyes but there was a hint of a smile creeping along the edges of his mouth. “Thanks.” he murmured quietly.

Eddie forced himself to ignore the tightness in his chest when he saw that brief smile on Buck’s face. While he wasn’t saying anything that Buck didn’t already know (mostly due to Eddie’s repeating mantra of Buck’s good qualities over the months to drown out the hate that filled Buck’s head), he knew sometimes Buck just needed to hear it again, out loud.

“What brought this on?” Eddie asked after a few minutes of comfortable silence, unable to hide the concern itching in his chest. Buck had been doing so well, handling things marginally better than when Eddie had first met him. 

Buck’s mood sobered again, his eyes downcast to the floor. There was confliction written across his face as he hesitated, but Eddie was if nothing else a patient man, and he had all night to wait if that was what Buck needed. “The second car accident…” he began, slowly, haltingly, as if the words weren’t forming right in his mouth. “We’d gotten almost everyone out. But there was a fire and Cap told us to get away, it was going to explode but—” Buck’s jaw clenched. “There was still a baby and her grandfather in the wreckage. I couldn’t just leave them there, especially the baby, Eddie, she was only _seven_ _months_ old.”

The tears started to silently fall again and Eddie reached out to gently wipe them off Buck’s cheek, his other hand resting comfortingly on Buck’s shoulder. “It was a stupid move, but I went back anyway. I-I thought I could save them both, you know, but the older man’s legs were pinned because when they crashed he tried to protect the baby when the car flipped. He refused to let me help him until he knew the baby was safe so I ran the baby back to the ambulance but—”

Taking a deep breath, hands clenched into fists on his lap, Buck quietly continued, “I didn’t make it back in time. I was halfway back to the car because the ambulance was so far away when it exploded.”

Eddie raised his hand, brushing his thumb gently across Buck’s cheekbone, right below a small cut taped together running from the bridge of his nose to his eyebrow, appearing as if it had barely missed his eye. “That wasn’t your fault, Evan.”

The other man wasn’t listening though. “I wasn’t fast enough. If I had just gotten there sooner—”

“Then you would have also been caught up in the explosion and could be lying in a hospital or a morgue right now.” Eddie interrupted him, squeezing his knee. “Hey, look at me.”

Buck slowly, reluctantly dragged his eyes back up to Eddie.

“You can’t save everyone, Evan.” Eddie murmured gently.

“Daddy?” Christopher’s mumbled voice caused Eddie to look over Buck’s shoulder and he was momentarily distracted by how absolutely adorable his son was. His curly hair was a mess, hanging had in his face, and he was clutching his dinosaur blanket tightly in one hand as it trailed behind him.

“Hey, buddy, what’re you doing up?” Eddie asked.

“Is that Bucky?” Christopher perked up when he realized who his dad was standing in front of, going from tired to wide awake in a second.

Buck turned around in the chair and Eddie could hear the smile on his face as Christopher walked towards him. “Hey, buddy! Shouldn’t you be asleep?” He reached down and picked Christopher up off the floor and the young boy practically latched onto Buck like an octopus.

“Shouldn’t you be asleep?” Christopher fired back, albeit tiredly, yawning at the end of his sentence as he laid his head on Buck’s shoulder.

“Evan just finished at work, bud, he hasn’t gotten a chance to sleep yet.” Eddie finally found his voice, grateful it didn’t crack as he internally _melted_ at the view of Buck gently holding his sleepy son in his hands.

 _Focus, Eddie, focus_ , he chastised himself. _Buck needed comfort right now, not you fawning over him_.

“You should come sleep with us,” Christopher mumbled.

Buck glanced up at Eddie then, uncertainty in his eyes. But it was that tiny spark of hope and the gentle way he held Christopher that made Eddie agree. It wasn’t long before the three of them were slumped on Eddie’s couch, Buck with a fresh change of clothes and Christopher sandwiched between the two. As Buck and Christopher drifted off while Looney Tunes played on the television, Eddie himself was left wide awake.

As he watched the two of them sleep, he was struck by just how young Buck looked while he slept. His face was smoothed, relaxed in a way Eddie hasn’t seen before because he always seemed to carry the lines and weight of stress. Thinking back on the reason that brought Buck here, Eddie let out a soft sigh and ran a gentle hand over Christopher’s curls.

Buck’s problems weren’t going to go away overnight. Or easily. Eddie tried to help as much as he could, and he wanted to give Buck everything because damnit, despite it all, in the past couple of months this lonely man had wormed his way snugly into Eddie’s life. But Eddie had his own demons he struggled with. There was only so much he could do on his own.

Damn that therapist.

Eddie didn’t know much about what happened, but he knew she was the root cause between Buck’s reluctance to go seek professional help and Eddie swore if he ever saw this woman, he wasn’t sure he’d be able to keep his temper in check.

What he needed was a support system at work. It seemed like his relationship with his team was shaky a best, though he always spoke highly of his captain, Bobby. He needed more, though. Maybe... Maybe Eddie could help with that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if the end seemed rushed but wow im too excited for this next chapter I had to finish this one. let me know what you thought!


End file.
